Wednesday, August 28, 2013

The Curse of the Blond Gerbil

     It happened again, dang it. If you are squeamish DO NOT go any further. If you enjoy laughing at us please continue to read. It goes downhill from here.
      Do any of you remember the song from the 70's called, 'Why Me, Lord?" I can't remember who sang it but I remember every word. I've been singing this phrase since Monday......cause that was the day I cringe to remember. That terrible, awful day that went something (actually exactly) like this. No haters please because none of what you are about to read was anyone's fault. Do. Not. Judge.....por favor. We need us some friends.
     The day before we left for our pre-start of school getaway, Blondie's hamster died. It was a natural death as we had had it over a year and they (especially dwarf varieties) don't live very long. (It was brought to me dead in Nature Girls hand BTW as I was walking out the door to teach a class at our school orientation.....such is my life). The Doc had been in Texas on business over the weekend and late Sunday afternoon decided to take Blondie to get a replacement for her dear, departed Brownie. They came home with a gerbil named Miss Chestnut (see photo). Gerbils are bigger. Gerbils have longer tails. Gerbils live longer. Did you catch that last sentence?? GERBILS LIVE LONGER. This one was picked by cute Blond child because the gerbil just happened to be blond too, and the store manager had prattled on and on about what good pets they made. I am thinking about getting the guy's address so I can show up and call him an idiot to his face.
     Soon Miss Chestnut having a romping good time in her new abode eating sunflower seeds and chewing up toilet paper rolls. Life was good. She also seemed already socialized which basically means they are used to humans and don't bite. Yay. Score one for the team.
     Then came Monday. The little ladies petted Miss Chestnut and spent the day doing their normal school. After school they asked if they could get her which I replied of course. Nature Girl wasn't interested and went outside to play with the neighbors. The next thing I heard was hysterical screaming and found myself holding not one, but two terrified, absolutely hysterical girls who couldn't be consoled. Absolute screaming girls at the top of their lungs were pulling my arms out of the sockets. You one told us that 50% of gerbils have some kind of seizure disorder. Look it up people. 50 dang percent. That gerbil had a GRAND MAL seizure while ON Mei Mei and then proceeded to flop uncontrollably for 30-45 seconds (as things with seizures do.....think exorcism here) WHILE it bled and foamed from the mouth half on Mei Mei then on the floor. It then fell over dead, eyeballs protruding.....bleeding all over my kitchen floor. Blondie and Mei Mei witnessed the whole thing inches from their faces. Somehow this pet scenario was not on my to-do list for the day. We had had it exactly 23 hours.
       I called the Doc....(dead foaming bleeding gerbil was still on floor), and of course he couldn't hear a word I said because of the 'for good reason screamers' that were the background noise. Of course he couldn't come home to clean up the deceased because of a meeting (totally understandable, and he felt terrible). What the heck was I gonna do with this gerbil body? I needed to calm the girls down but couldn't as long as this thing was in the floor.....(with the dog now noticing....get the picture??)
     So grateful Nature Girl came home about that time and without a moment's hesitation she took stock of the situation.......grabbed a container, picked up the gerbil......then proceeded to get the Oxy-clean WITHOUT being asked and cleaned up the crime scene. She never even asked what happened until it was all over.  What a kid. She is my hero forever. I was able to take the other two and help them 'recover'......trying to grasp how an 8 and 10 yr. olds really recover from something like this. It was horrifying. It was gross. It was totally unexpected. The Doc owes Nature Girl a pony. Blondie has been sleeping on the floor by my bed with me holding her hand all night long. We are out of the pet business fo-evah.

Do not ever buy a gerbil.


  1. bahahahahaha. Nature girl is one of my favorite kids ever. Of course I love all your kids but that girl...

  2. Carol and her family came over for dinner tonight and she started laughing, asking if I could believe what happened to Blondie...Cissy's gerbil. I said, oh you must mean the one-eyed gerbil. No, the new one, Blondie-she says. In shock I just now read the account of Blondie's demise. Did Leni hold her special funeral...complete with tickets and bagpipes playing Amazing Grace? I think you are wise my friend- to never buy another gerbil. And thank you. I am going to bed with yet another VanLue pet story making me laugh :)